The History of Ballpeen
“What is history?”
As told by J. James
“One time, it was second year, first year, third…year…fourth…anyways, yeah. Anyways last semester…”
(pauses and laughs hard)
“I had a pen. I think I must have just written a midterm because I was thinking about pens…where’s this gonna go by the way?
I mean…that document…the document of the story.
So, it was a racist night. Wait that was tonight, where were we?
Anyways, I was really high and I had a pen. Exactly.
Ben Shaver was asleep in his bed as usual, and there was a bag of all-dressed chips and there were semen wads in it. One of Ben’s favourite meals, well the only meals he ever ate, were chicken fingers, nah, not fries, fries were too long. Grilled Cheese. OH NO, OH NO. He made these fucking home-made pizzas with stupid cut cheese and then sliced the pepperonis and he said “YEAH MELT IT.”
Anyways, that’s how Ballpeen happened.
I was really high in Ben’s room and I thought of this pen that blew my mind when I was a child. It was a pen that you could write with, yet…yet erase. It said ‘Bowlpeen,’ no, ‘Bullpeen.’
Do you remember the lead pencils, the ones with the things on the end you can hook on your pants?
I thought of the exact same thing, except called ‘Ballpeen.’”
(proceeds to take shampoo and lotion containers out of his pants)
“This is actually really uncomfortable, sorry. I just realized.”
(many hair products are removed from his pants, and a small Jesus figurine)
“Anyways, Ballpeen. I forgot about Ballpeen. That was all supposed to enhance my story of Ballpeen.
The thing is, about me…about Ballpeen, act first, think later. THAT’S how Ballpeen was invented.”